katlefiya's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I've split And then suddenly, last week it all fell apart. It was like a different aspect of my personality had come out and said "wait a minute, this is boring. What about all the FUN things you wanted to do?" And now I feel like 2 completely different people. The first is completely happy to continue with my job, even though I'm not satisfied with it. She likes to sit home at night and watch TV or read or do housecleaning, and she wants to have a baby. The other person can't believe she's stayed in this house so long, so unhappily. She wants to quit the stupid job where all the women are catty and selfish, move back into the intellectually stimulating environment of her parents home, go to university or travel the world with just a backpack on (well, you know, and some clothes too). They're mud-wrestling in my head. And it's not the sexy kind of mud wrestling. The mud has rocks and twigs and noxious substances mixed with it so that it hurst when you fall, or get some in your eye, and it tastes like horse-shit. Last tuesday I completely fell apart. I had commited some minor infraction at work so Michelle and Petula weren't speaking to me. I started crying hysterically at my desk (silently). I convinced myself that I would put in my resignation, move back in with my parents and go to university. I wanted it to happen NOW. After work I went over to my parents house and poured my woes out to them. They were incredibly supportive. But when Adam came and picked me up, suddenly I couldn't do it. I tried explaining to him that I hated my job and wanted to go to school. He said that with us moving into our own apartment soon it didn't make much sense. From his point of view what I was saying was impossible, but I couldn't divulge the part about me leaving him for the moment and discovering myself. I dreamt about Hong Kong last night. Whenever I do (which is a lot), I dream of exploring long forgotten temples or mansions, or of climbing through the hillside jungle to find myself on top of a mountain, looking at all the glory of the wild wide world beneath me. I know the places I dream of don't particularly exist, but when the kids of Pak Tak Yuen DID trek through the hillside jungle, we would find huge stormdrains, ramshackle huts somewhat abandoned, and once we did explore an old long-forgotten mansion. I NEED to get out of this place. 9:15 a.m. - 2005-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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