katlefiya's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- - I feel isolated and stagnant. I see other people interacting and I'm confused. It's like I'm watching some brilliant musicians performing improv with each other and then one of them decides to hand me a violin to see what I can contribute, and anything I do with it comes out as a screeching wail. Sometimes I just want to smash the violin. When somebody talks to me my whole personality leaves me and it's all I can do to make small meaningless shit-chat. Hence the stagnation. I feel old. Not as in the passing of time old. I feel like a joke that somebody made not so long ago that's been so overdone that everybody wretches when they hear it. Most of the things I do are just acts. I cover up what I feel to be my own boringness with acts of amusement, intelligence, sympathy, sexuality. I just go through the motions. I even catch myself doing it with Adam sometimes. But most of all I try to be myself with him. He is my kindred spirit. toodloo 9:12 p.m. - 2004-04-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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